“The Apple” is one of those episodes I’ve always been torn about. There are lots of little things I really love about it, but there is so much more that bugs the crap out of me.

The episode is set on Gamma Trianguli VI, described as an Eden-like planet. The landing party beams down, four Redshirts and a woman in tow. Of course, that many Redshirts can only mean one thing—they brought a lot of cannon fodder. Before the opening theme even rolls Chekov gets a chance to regale us with his version of Russian history, Kirk mentions that his orders are to essentially go against the Prime Directive (which explains a lot), Spock gets to spit out some technobabble, Bones gets to be bitchy, and Ensign Ricky Redshirt eats it. It’s nice when they can get off to a good start like that, don’t you think?

Hey Ricky you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my… hey… Ricky?

But of course that’s not enough. After the break we come back to Scotty telling Kirk that there is an issue with the ship, getting his own fill of technobabble. Kirk does his standard “oh poor Ensign Ricky” while Scotty seems fairly unfazed and far more interested in the prospect of hanging out on the planet. I can’t help but wonder why a man who loves his ship more than scotch, bagpipes, and his accent combined would want to hang out on the planet when there is something wrong with the ship.

The landing party continues to poke around and Spock (in a strangely out-of-character move) tosses a rock to discover they’re explosive. Kirk gets contemplative (scary, I know) and Bones checks out the plants while Spock, apparently the only one paying any attention at all, notices that the horrible poison dart-spitting plant is gearing up to shoot Kirk. He, of course, jumps in the way and takes the darts. Fortunately for him, he’s made of sterner stuff than Ensign Ricky (who, like all Redshirts are held together mostly with tissue paper and dreams) and McCoy gets a chance to hypo him.

Kirk calls for a beam-up which is conveniently on the fritz.

Don’t worry about Spock though. This is only Season Two after all. Spock has another season and two movies to ge through before he pulls the Jesus Maneuver. McCoy’s hypo kicks in and Spock is back up and about. Kirk gives him a speech about doing stupid things like jumping in front of poison darts, skipping over any “thanks for saving my life.”

Spock steps up for the Captain several times, including giving this kissing lesson.

I want to pause here for a second to say that I love McCoy. In fact, I would have a hard time saying whether he or Spock is my favourite character. I love that he’s grumpy and unreasonable. I love that he’s argumentative and stubborn. But one thing that has always bugged me is how completely “Humans Rule!” he can get. There are times when that’s fine, adorable even. But sometimes it gets to be a bit much. He picks on Spock a lot.

So when Spock points out that the shot he was given has upset his stomach—and McCoy points out that if he had red blood rather than green, his stomach would be fine—I have to shake my head. He’s right of course, if his blood were red, his stomach wouldn’t hurt. But that’s kind of like saying if frogs had wings they wouldn’t hit their asses when they hop. Yes, it’s true, but as that’s not the situation and it never will be the statement is a little less than helpful. Perhaps accepting the circumstances you’re presented with and dealing with them as such would be a better course of action. Spock is Vulcan, Vulcans are different than humans, get over it.

Just sayin.

But I digress. The planet continues to prove itself the most vindictive planet in the universe (or at least one of the most Redshirt-hostile) by killing more Ensign Rickys. Clouds roll in and poor Ricky 2 gets hit with a bolt of lightning (lightning which completely incinerates his fragile Redshirt body) while Kirk and the rest run for cover—you guessed it—in the trees. When the clouds clear, our heroes investigate. So when Ricky 3 calls Kirk to tell him that there’s something strange in the neighbourhood (he really aught to have called the Ghostbusters), they all run off to save him.

I’m a Redshirt. I get it. Don’t you think this is a bit much?

But Ricky 3, a man given to panicking, is already running back to them. Forgetting the explosive rocks, Ricky 3 is quickly dispatched and reunited with the Rickys that went before him. Cue melodramatic Kirk speech.

Spock points out that they’re being watched again and Kirk, melodrama still pounding in his veins, decides he needs to catch whoever it is. So Kirk being Kirk pairs up Chekov and Spock while sending Ricky 4 off by himself while Kirk dodges around the other way.

Sigh.

Chekov and Spock do manage to create a decent diversion (I really love Spock pretending to be angry, it’s adorable) allowing Kirk to use every ounce of diplomacy at his disposal by sneaking up on one of the planets natives (natives who have done nothing more hostile than watching strangers in their land) and punching him in the face. Kirk stands ready for a fight only to find that the man he just punched is crying. From the look on Kirk’s face, you almost expect to make some comment about him crying like a woman. Instead he makes one of the silliest statements a person can make after punching someone in the face: “I won’t hurt you.”

Um, Jim… too late.

You look quite different from that Gorn fellow. At least he wore a shirt.
Got any chocolate on you?

Upon further inspection, what remains of the landing party discovers that the oompa-loopa they found has antennae implanted in his head. He explains that they were given to him by Vaal so he can hear him. Apparently Vaal thought that a “burning bush” sounded a little too much like a terrible euphemism to talk to his people through and decided to upgrade to something a little more high-tech. He agrees to take them to Vaal so they can chat about all the collateral damage.

Scotty, who hasn’t had much to say for a while, checks in to tell them the ship is going down. Warp power is unavailable and impulse power isn’t doing it.

Well crap.

Since they’re stuck on the planet, Kirk carries on. Akuta, their new orange friend, agrees to take them to Vaal. Imagine their surprise when they discover that Vaal is not a who, but a what.

You got it, the oompa-loompas are worshipping a machine-god.

Spock takes some readings and informs Kirk that this is just an access point to some technobabble beneath the surface. In a move that may have been a little less careful than the situation called for, Spock walks up to Vaal only to have his ass handed to him by a force field.

“A force field?” Kirk asks. You know, because I’m sure he hasn’t had enough experience with force fields that the Federation, up to and including his own ship, use on a regular basis.

Spock says what we’re all thinking. “Obviously.”

Vaaaaaaaaaaal!!!!!!!!!

Since the options are limited with the sleeping machine-god, they head to the village. All the other oompa-loompas come out to say hello and Kirk notices something is up. No children. (I’m not going to argue with him on that, there aren’t any children; but I will say that of all the planets they visit, I’ve never seen many children. Aside from planets where they are the centre of the plot.) Akuta says that “replacements” are forbidden by Vaal. But Ensign Chicky wants to know what happens when their private oompa-loompa parts get all tingly. Akuta says that’s forbidden by Vaal as well. (Makes me think it’s probably a good thing there aren’t any kids around. We’ve seen how well those rules have worked for the Church.)

Bones says what Kirk is thinking. “There goes paradise.” The only way they’re getting laid is with the garland of flowers the villagers offer them.

Akuta gives them a hut to hang out in. Bones finds that the villagers are essentially immortal, Spock technobabbles some more and Scotty and the ship are still boned. You know, just another day in Starfleet. Outside, the feeders of Vaal are doing what they do best, tossing food to their god. Kirk starts plotting against Vaal, Spock technobabbles (still managing to point out that Humans are a minority in the universe and other cultures are valid—thank you Spock) and McCoy carries on being more than a little androcentric (again, this is one of those episodes where McCoy annoys me greatly).

Scotty rings in again to clarify that they’re still screwed, Ensign Chicky gets her panties in a wad, and Kirk carries on being Kirk. No change there.

It does give way to an entirely awkward discussion about teaching the oompa-loopas to get their groove on. It’s something Ensign Chicky seems a little too pre-occupied with, if you ask me. In the most out-of-character move Kirk has ever made, he passes the ball to Spock rather than giving her a lesson himself. It goes about as well as you might expect. A little like me asking my mother to explain Star Trek to someone. (Point of interest: Spock and McCoy are both adorable in the scene. Kirk tries to hide his cocky grin behind an apple. It fails miserably.)

Captain, suggest we show these people how to get their groove on.
Can I start with the girl?

All the talk about biological functions gets Ensign Chicky and Chekov all hot and bothered, and they decide that wandering off alone on a planet that has killed four of them so far to make out in a clearing would be a super good plan. Two of the inquisitive oompa-loompas catch their act and, much like children imitating everything they see on TV, they decide to try it out for themselves.

This gets Vaal hot and bothered too. But instead of a little tongue action, he tells his people to kill the strangers. Akuta gets right on explaining it to all his buddies in an incredibly awkward sort of way. Just bash their heads open with a stick. Don’t worry guys, Vaal said it’s totally cool.

After more discussion about destroying their machine-god, Spock notices that all the villagers have taken off. Kirk figures that’s his cue to go chat with Vaal again, because that’s been so successful thus far. Vaal brings the clouds and Spock gets hit with the Redshirt-incinerating lightning. Once again Spock, with his blue, lightning-repelling shirt, escapes relatively unharmed.

Back at the village, the oompa-loompas decide to try out this nifty head bashing thing that Vaal was so keen on. Unfortunately, being a race of child-like, non-violent, spray-on tan loving people, the landing party lays the smack down. Even Ensign Chicky gets her kicks in (and for once in his life, McCoy isn’t the first one to hit the ground). Not to say that the villagers didn’t get their punches in. Poor Ricky 4 got his paper mache skull cracked before he even knew what hit him. This is really the last straw for Kirk. They’ve killed all the cannon fodder. If he doesn’t do something quick they might start attacking people who actually have names. Or the woman. Then where would he be?

So they round up the villagers and stick them all in a hut.

Wow. Vaal would NEVER let us do that! Let’s get some sticks of our own and talk to the villagers. Are you taking notes?

Scotty tries to pull the ship away and ends up blowing out most of the systems. All seems lost until they realise that fighting the hold that the planet has on the ship is draining Vaal’s power. With the feeders of Vaal all tied up, Kirk decides it’s time to spring into action.

Fire on their machine-god. What any Prime Directive-following, rational starship captain would do.

Fire they do. Vaal runs out of battery power without being able to reach the next save point in the game, the tractor beam holding the ship craps out, and Spock announces that Vaal is dead.

Kirk rejoices. The villagers that Vaal was caring for, keeping safe, making happy, and better still—making all but immortal—are just a little miffed. Thousands of years they have had Vaal to care for them and Kirk destroyed it all in just a few seconds.

But don’t worry guys, you’ll figure it out. No, I’m not going to stick around and explain it to you. I have more important things to do. Places to explore, other machine-gods to kill, green women to bang.

I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Finally, when Spock points out the similarities between what they’ve done and the story of Adam and Eve, Kirk gets a little touchy at being compared to Satan. Pointing out, very cleverly, that he lacks the necessary pointed ears to be the dark lord. It’s a good thing he’s so enlightened and living in a time without bigotry, eh?

I really wish I was making that ending up. From their ditching the villagers to fend for themselves to Kirk insulting his “best friend” again. But I’m not.

The Prime Directive in action. Kirk style!

Like I said, there are some really great moments sprinkled in there, but it gets to be like eating a bowl of boiled cabbage and occasionally getting a piece of bacon. Sure, the bacon is delicious but is it really worth eating the rest to get it? The whole premise of this episode seems so out of line with what they should be doing. Screwing up an entire culture, irreparably I might add, is so against the Prime Directive that I can’t imagine how anyone would ever justify that to their superiors.

Am I saying I want a show that doesn’t take risks? No, not at all. I just would like a show that plays by its own rules. (I know, I know… This isn’t the first or last time this kind of thing happens in the show. The Prime Directive is the rule that was made to be broken apparently.)

I’m weird like that.

So this episode is from Season 1 and no where near the weirdness of the later seasons. In fact, it’s a pretty normal episode. It’s got quite a few good things going for it and enough cheese to make the Trek we love. And for once, Kirk is actually in trouble… not for something he actually did though. Which is annoying. I guess we can’t win every battle.

On to the review.

We start off with a Captain’s Log. Good thing, too. Apparently we showed up just in time to miss all the fun shit. Our heroes have just been though an ion storm. The ship has been badly damaged (Scotty must be in tears). And one crewman is dead (I’m honestly impressed there’s only one). Kirk decided to stop in at Starbase 11 to repair every thing and give a report to Commodore Stone.

He’s a little curious why Kirk has been over the report three times (my guess… he’s still trying to sound out the big words). Is there an error? No. Just being melodramatic over killing someone. Again.

Oh, and we need your computer logs to confirm this. We’re not just going to “take your word for it” this time.

Kirk radios up to the ship to find out where Spock is with the computer log but Uhura says he should have been there ten minutes ago. Odd, Spock taking his time. Maybe he needed to stop off at the little Vulcan’s room?

Kirk explains to the Commodore why Spock may have had to make a pit stop on the way.

The Commodore doesn’t seem too miffed. He’s busy talking up the late Lieutenant Commander Finney. Kirk’s right there with him on that one. No wait, he’s just covering his own ass again. Despite having handed in a report and the soon-to-arrive ship’s log which should all say the same thing.

Speak of the devil and there he is… no, just Spock. Kirk wants to know what took him so long but Commodore Stone just wants those record tapes. He’s not wasting any time either. He’s going to watch them right now.

But wait, who’s this? In walks someone about 20 years too old for the “futuristic sailor girl” look she’s trying to pull off. Seriously, honey, that would be cute if you were five. On you, you just look like someone who’s creepily insane mother is still picking out their clothes and keeping them confined to their entirely pink, filled to the roof with stuffed animals, “still thinks you’re a baby” room.

This scene from The Love Boat mistakenly spliced into “Court Martial.”

Oh, it’s Jame (which they keep pronouncing “Jamie”). Who I guess someone will explain later. And she’s plenty pissed (I would be too, if they stuck me in that costume). Kirk killed her father and… oh, I get it, the dead guy. So this is Jame Finney. Well that explains it all. Or not.

Kirk insists he was his friend but Jame seems pretty damn sure he hated him all his life. That’s why he killed him. Murderer.

Yeesh, Jim. Where’s a run-of-the-mill paternity suit when you need one, huh?

Don’t worry, Spock will show her out. I mean, I guess he could have just nerve pinched her. It’s a lot more effective than a smack.

Commodore Stone, however is finished with the record tapes and he does NOT look impressed. Didn’t Kirk just say that he shot his “friend” in to space AFTER the red alert? Who the hell do you think you’re trying to kid? Not Commodore Badass, that’s for damn sure. Go directly to jail, Kirk. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

All that before the opening credits! Whew! Well better get those over and done with. (The opening credits always seem so weird without De. Silly first season.)

Oh dear, I feel another Captain’s Log coming on. That burrito for lunch may not have been a good choice after all.

So the Enterprise is still in orbit. Repairs are underway. Kirk is still stuck on the planet. And now everyone is caught up. Thank Spock for that.

Seems like Kirk isn’t really “under arrest” as he and McCoy are checking out the local bar. Kirk, being Kirk, knows half of the people there. But none of them seem too thrilled to see him. Commander Coldshoulder and his friend Captain Passive-Agressive make it pretty clear that everyone would like him to piss off as quickly as possible. Apparently killing an old friend is still frowned upon. Bad luck there, Jim. Good thing you guys aren’t making everyone horribly uncomfortable.

Kirk decides to head off and sulk in private like a man (Nearly taking out a Ricky along the way. Isn’t one death enough?!), leaving Bones to drink alone. Don’t worry, Bones, here comes a hot blonde to save the day (although she’s decided to come out wearing her grandmother’s curtains).

Bones is shocked to see his grandmother’s curtains
being worn by one of Kirk’s old “friends.”

Now, Bones… sweetie… Don’t take this the wrong way. You know I love you. But you have really got to work on your pick up lines. Telling her the dude who just left is Kirk? Maybe not the best angle.

But she knew that. She’s an old “friend” of his. (Good luck finding a woman who wasn’t a “friend of his”.)

And Bones is a friend.

And for some reason she repeats herself. She’s his friend too. An old one. (Is this kind of like asking how someone is doing, them asking you and then you asking them again because you’ve momentarily gone insane?)

Bones doesn’t seem to mind (or notice though), he’s too busy being annoyed that all of his old friends look like doctors. All of Kirks look like her. To be fair, I’m sure Bones hasn’t needed treatment for every space STD known to science. And besides all that, being the smooth southern man he is, he gets her to have a drink with him.

Elsewhere, Commodore Stone starts the inquiry against Kirk to see if they should get on with the court-martialing. He’s got a lot of questions, so hold on to your seats.

Did Kirk know Finney for a long time? Yep, knew him from the Academy. Hell he even named his daughter after Kirk. You remember the one? She was yelling “Murderer” and crying that Kirk hated Finney. Okay… so maybe that wasn’t the best example.

What the hell happened then? We worked together. Finney fucked up. I reported his ass. Finney was a whiney bitch.

And that storm? What the hell happened? There was an ion storm. I sent Finney in to the pod. It was his turn. Prissy bitch or not. Everything was a-okay but that shit sneaks up on you. I signalled a Red Alert and Finney knew to get his ass out of there. I waited and he took his sweet time. So long, Finney.

So why does the computer say you shot his ass in to space before you were even in trouble? What about that, smart guy?

Dunno, Spock’s looking in to it.

After Kirk answers two questions incorrectly, Commodore Stone gives him a red card.

Stone’s heard enough. Kirk must be washed up and he knows it. If Kirk doesn’t put up a fuss he’ll just say that he’s incapable of running a starship (true). Possibly… even… mental collapse (symptoms may include random and awkward pauses, irrational behaviour and extreme overacting). But only if Kirk shuts up about the whole thing. Stone will bury it. You know, to protect the service. We wouldn’t want people thinking that a Starfleet Captain killed someone. We’ll just make this all go away. (Maybe Commodore Stone was a member of the Vatican in a past life?)

Kirk’s not gonna put up with this bullshit. No way. He’s a busy man with Rickys to send to their deaths. Just get your damned court martial together and get this shit over with. Do you realize there are chicks out there to bang while I’m stuck here?

Ah the sweet gentle goodness of another Captain’s Log. The folks for the court martial are on the way. The Enterprise is almost fixed. And Kirk is headed to the bar. He’s got an “old friend” to catch up with. Good thing Areel is still wearing those curtains, she sticks out like a cold sore. McCoy pointed him in the right direction but, even without help, I’m sure he would have sniffed her out on his own.

One thing though, Jim—if a girl can tell you down to the day (don’t let the ambiguous “odd number of days” fool you, she knows), run. She jumped over the crazy line.

Aw, crap. She knows you killed that guy. I mean, you probably should have guess that. She’s a lawyer. Kirk, you have got to start paying more attention to these things. But it’s okay because Kirk is gonna smooth talk his way out of this one. He didn’t do anything wrong, remember. So nothing to worry about, right? Except maybe those nasty rumours that say otherwise.

Jim, this could ruin you.

Shhh, baby. Don’t you worry your pretty little woman brain. I’ve got it covered. But okay, if you insist. Let’s hear the silly thoughts going through that girly head of yours.

Seems simple enough really. It’s Kirk’s word verses the computer. So you probably don’t want your lawyer trying to fight that one. Because the computer can’t be wrong. No, she doesn’t have other options. Just don’t use that one. That one is balls. Maybe check out this Sam Cogley guy, he’s a lawyer. Oh, and one more thing, she can’t help Kirk. Mostly because she’s prosecuting against him.

Zing!

Now that’s gotta burn. he better head back to his quarters to drink it off. But what fuckery is this? The place is full of books! And none of them look like skin mags! The Kirk does not look impressed.

Cogley’s moved all his stuff in. Stuff being books. Kirk thinks a computer takes up less space (and allows you to search for porn) but Cogley is unmoved. He’s a book man. With his own personal library. Which actually sounds awesome until you realize they’re all law books.

All this leads Kirk to one conclusion. He’s either a lunatic or Cogley. Cogley assures him both are true. This aught to be good.

Cogley was hit with severe excessive baggage fees at Starbase 11.

The bell rings and it’s time for class… uh… no, Court Martial. Commodore Stone has brought along a couple of friends and they’re ready to get this party started. The computer rattles off everything Kirk is charged with (but not, unfortunately, everything he’s actually done). Then Spock is up on the witness stand. Well, the witness seat, anyway. The computer even gives us a handy little reminder of who we’re dealing with here (I will never not be miffed that Spock isn’t, at very least, a full Commander).

Through the questioning Spock says he knows all about computers and that, yes, they don’t always work. But the Enterprise computers are working just fine. He still figures the computer is wrong. Working fine but wrong. It’s impossible for Kirk to have shot Finney in to space before the red alert. You don’t need to watch MC drop the Hammer to know he’s just another has-been now.

Okay, I’m gonna stop you right here, Sweetie. “It is impossible for Captain Kirk to act out of panic or malice. It is not his nature.”? I’m sorry, are we talking about the same person? Panic maybe but malice? I know Vulcans don’t drink but I have to ask, are you drunk? And I’m not the only one who’s not buying it. (I’m sorry, it hurts me to have to disagree with you but I couldn’t walk away from that one.)

Cogley doesn’t need any question.

And I see Jame is in the audience, still sporting her space sailor girl outfit.

Ensign Rickette is up to bat. (I will say seriously though, that I always appreciated the effort to make the cast and extras diverse. It may seem ham-handed, but they were trying.) The records officer and she’s familiar with ALL the service records of the crew (impressive). She even knows about Finney’s fuck up and Kirk ratting him out. That guy, over there. Kirk. That one.

Cogley’s still good. Questions are for suckers anyway.

Bones’ turn. Areel wants to make sure that on top of being a good ol’ country doctor and a surgeon, he’s also an expert in space psychology. But Bones is being modest. But she wants to know if it’s psychologically possible for Finney to have blamed Kirk (duh). Maybe even hated him (you’re getting warmer). So now isn’t it possible that Kirk hated him back? If the guy was such an asshole, wouldn’t he?

Not Kirk. He’s not like that. Hating things or people for little or no reason. It’s just not something you’ll see from him, ever, no matter what. (*sigh*)

Cogley is still maxin’ and relaxin’. But Stone is getting a bit annoyed by his unwillingness to play. Cogley is just gonna hang out until Kirk is up on the stand. He’s even going to make them listen to his whole file… or most of it anyway.

So Kirk, there was a Red Alert when you pressed the button (we all know how tempting buttons are to push). But Kirk is holding to his story, which he goes over again. (He hasn’t had a chance to make a Captain’s Log lately, he’s probably getting twitchy.) And he’d do it all over again.

But Areel’s got video. Oh snap. And it shows him pressing the button early. Double snap. It’s not looking good, Kirk.

Could Kirk’s obsession with making Captain’s Logs
have led him to press “eject” instead of “record”?

Kirk’s still sticking to his guns. (I know. We’re all stunned.) Spock hasn’t found anything wrong with the computer. And hey, maybe the new guy will suck at chess (like the old captain).

Just then Jame shows up again. As we prepare ourselves for more screaming and crying she decides to go with something else. She wants Cogley to talk Kirk into a ground assignment and to get the charges dropped. It wasn’t his fault. She won’t make a fuss. Which is a little weird coming from the girl who was screaming “murderer” earlier.) See, she read some old letters and papers and now she knows how close they were. He couldn’t possibly have killed him. (Unrelated fact: About half of people murdered are killed by someone they know, are related to, or are close to.)

At least Cogley looks like he might have an idea.

Back on the ship, Spock is playing chess. Bones isn’t impressed (obviously). The Captain is going down fast and Spock is playing games. And not only is he immune to insults but he’s beaten the computer four times.

Wait… what the what?

The best he should have been able to pull off is a stalemate. Someone’s been fucking with his chess program! And that person is surely going to pay! Oh yeah and it shows that someone was screwing around with stuff. So the Captain’s probably saved or something. So down to the planet they’ll go.

Court is already starting up though so they’re gonna have to haul ass if they want to get there in time. And it’s barely the knick of time. It’s starts Cogley off on a flowery speech about rights and wants to move the court on to the Enterprise to show off his new evidence.

The court gives in and they all head up. Spock shows them his faulty chess game. And that might indicate that other things have been messed with. Oh yeah and Finney could have done that. Weird. Because they searched the whole ship for him. Kirk checked the ladies quarters and everyone else checked the rest. They didn’t find Finney.

But they were looking for him like he wanted to be found. They didn’t use the “Hide-and-go-seek” style of search. Maybe Finney is just this year’s “Hider of the Year.” Maybe he’s not dead!

To prove it, everyone but a few people and the court need to get off the ship. Once they’re all gone, Spock hit’s the Techno music and it’s time for the rave… wait… no, that’s just their heart beats. Bones has a fancy mic that will cancel out the sound of everyone’s heartbeat. Then there’s the guy in the transporter room.

“Spock, eliminate his heart beat.” Interesting choice of words, Kirk.

But there’s one left. Finney. Dun dun dun! Kirk’s gonna find him too, while Cogley goes to get his daughter (I love fun family reunions).

Sure enough Finney is alive and Kirk tries to talk him down. Finney seems plenty pissed though. He’s got a phaser and crazy beard, this could get ugly. He’s tapped out the power and the ship is going down. Be careful, Kirk, he’s rambling.

Oh, Finney, did we mention that your daughter is on the ship you’re going to crash? Ain’t that a bitch.

Kirk… we’re almost through this episode and your shirt is not yet ripped. I can fix that.

It’s time for those stunt doubles to earn their money and for Kirk to rip his shirt. I can only imagine how long he’d been waiting for that to happen. He’d probably been pouting for days. Ripping it himself back at his quarters.

Finney gives up and tells them where he sabotaged things and the ship is saved. Hurrah. And Kirk is saved. Goody. Everything is back to normal, Kirk even gets in a kiss AND a “don’t call me, I’ll call you.”

And off they warp, in to the big black yonder.

Well, I hope you had a good time. I certainly did. Until next time, Live Long and Prosper.

Because sometimes things don’t quite work out as you planned…

This is an episode that has become rather infamous over the years, often being cited as “the worst Original Series episode ever made” or at least the most bizarre. I’ve given my opinion on that debate, but that doesn’t really make the episode any less ridiculously weird.

But I digress. On to the review!

It’s never a good sign for the NCC-1701 crew when the cold opening starts with the dramatic music and a close-up shot of the red alert lights. An unidentified ship is headed toward our heroes. Everyone but Scotty seems concerned—Scotty is much to busy getting all doe-eyed about the ship.

Before they can even make contact, a Hot Alien Babe beams aboard (don’t get too excited, she looks like most beings in the universe—human). Jim scrambles to decide on a pick-up line, the crew looks confused and Spock raises his eyebrow. All of this can only mean one thing—time to cue the redshirts!

Two rush in to save the day (because that always works) just in time to see Hot Alien Babe use her giant bracelet to stun the whole bridge with its magical “boinga-boinga” noise. Once they’re all out, she stuns the rest of the crew (oh, there’s Bones, in sickbay) and heads over to collect what she came for.

Is it Kirk’s brain? No, that’s just silly.

Cue opening credits.

We come back to see the crew is still out cold.

I’d like to take a second to mention a few things—first, I love that Chapel totally went for the fall in sickbay but Uhura managed to stay in the most awkward sitting position ever (including keeping her arm on the console). Second, is anyone surprised that Kirk ended up showing off his ass? Third, how did Chekov end up with his leg curled up like that? Is that some kind of Russian thing?

The lights come up and nap time is over. The ship seems fine and after checking everything Kirk realises something is wrong. “Where’s Spock?” Bones buzzes from sickbay. You know something is wrong because he’s doing his strained whisper voice. Jim heads off to investigate with Scotty.

Question asked, question answered—there’s Spock and he’s sporting a lovely gold sequinned turban.

But something is wrong. Bones has fit him with some kind of futuristic iron lung. Chapel tells Kirk she found him on the table. Not like this though (perhaps he was wearing a matching gown and Carmen Miranda-esque fruity head dress). He’s on complete life support. Dead? No. Worse than dead.

His brain is gone. (I’m trying to imagine D the first time he read that line and realising he’d have to deliver it.)

Uh-oh, Kirk is so confused he’s mouthing other people’s lines.

It’s been removed surgically. (Sorry, D, they’re only going to get worse from here.)

But don’t worry, they were really, really careful about how they took it out. You know, not to hurt the body that would die without it. Which, really, makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it too much. And of course, being Vulcan and not a redshirt, for instance, Spock isn’t dead and life-support is going to keep him that way. For now.

Kirk decides Hot Alien Babe stole it and does what he’s best at, gets mad. Bones doesn’t know how long he can keep Spock going without his incredible Vulcan mind. So Kirk is going to take them all to search for Spock’s brain.

Problem—where the hell are they going to look? And if the find it, then what? Bones doesn’t know how to put it back.

No worries. The person who took it out must know how to put it back. (Just don’t think about that too much. If you do, blood with shoot out of your nose. Trust me.)

Another problem—Bones has decided on an amount of time. 24 hours or they’re screwed.

Don’t worry, Doc. Kirk will give you Scotty to help get Spock ready. You know, because engineers and doctors are practically the same thing.

Now, you’d think it would be harder to track an alien ship, but luckily for Kirk it left an ion trail. Or at least they assume it’s that ship’s trail. It could be anyone’s. But they’re off at warp 6 to find out.

There are three M Class planets in the star system and Kirk needs to pick one. None seems right. Every time I watch this episode I wait for the entire bridge crew to start yelling choices at Kirk like he’s on The Price Is Right. He goes with door number three, the least likely of the planets and heads off with Chekov and three Redshirts.

8 hours and 29 minutes left.

They beam down to a planet in its glacial period without any winter gear (clever) but luckily for them they all have some never before discussed personal atmosphere device that they can set to whatever temperature they require. (Remember, this isn’t an episode for thinking about things.) Meanwhile the primitive natives of the planet (large men all sporting the pageboy hairdos and beards) gather to sneak up on them. Apparently none of them saw “The Apple” because, as we all know, that sort of thing will get you punched in the face.

The natives attack, Kirk stuns one and the rest of them go with the King Arthur manoeuver—RUN AWAY!

When they go to talk to their new captured friend he’s surprised to find that they aren’t “the others” despite being “small like the others” (who are givers of pain and delight—so, sadists I guess). They come for all like them, these others. But when Kirk mentions women (yeah, like we’re all really surprised that he’s the first one to bring that up) Pageboy Caveman doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

You can see the panic starting to set in on Kirk’s face—a planet with no women? What fresh hell is this? No women, no females, no mates—I keep waiting for Kirk to make the universal hand sign for boobies.

While Kirk goes through the list of possible explanations of what women are, the landing party find a door to an apparent storehouse of goods and a doorway to a buried city.

Yeah, this is going to go well.

Before they go anywhere, Kirk send for Bones and Spock. They beam down, both up and walking around. Spock has been fitted with headgear that allows Bones to move him around via remote control (I’d put money on it that Bones wishes he had one of those things all the time). Kirk, Scotty, Bones, and Robo-Spock move in to the room, the door slams shut and the room drops. Chekov, hanging out with the redshirts, is not alarmed and heats up some rocks for them to hang out around.

The room stops, the door opens and there’s another Hot Alien Babe. Kirk, being a gentleman, shoots her before she can get to her ugly bracelet. Bones shoots her up with something to get her back up on her feet and Kirk, coming from a planet with TOTAL EQUALITY demands to be taken to the MAN in charge.

Hot Alien Babe #2 tells them they are neither Morg or Eymorg and she knows nothing about a brain. Kirk insists she’s lying.

Bones steps in. She’s not lying. She has the mind of a child (otherwise known as “a woman’s brain”).

But wait, Scotty is getting something on the communicator! It’s… it’s… SPOCK’S BRAIN! And it’s happy to hear from them all. But unfortunately it doesn’t know where it is what with not being connected to Spock’s eyes any more. Stay there, brain, we’re coming to get you!

Or not.

Hot Alien Babe #1 is headed right for them. Kirk starts yelling rather than reaching for his phaser and soon they’re all on the ground. (Side note—I love how Kirk and Bones fall together.) Well, not Spock. He’s brainless which leaves you immune to being stunned.

Taken captive, still out cold and wearing a snazzy new belt, Kirk still manages to make a Captain’s log entry. Hot Alien Babe #1 wakes them all up with her “Boinga-Boinga” bracelet and they’re all a bit confused (even Kirk who must have forgotten the unconscious log entry already). Kirk checks to make sure that his new belt doesn’t make him look fat and then gets down to business.

Where’s Spock’s brain?

But none of them know who Spock is or what this “brain” thing they keep talking about is. Remember, they are only women. She doesn’t even recall being on the Enterprise. (I think Kirk is really upset that she doesn’t remember him, especially since he had the good sense to fall with his best feature showing.) Bones explains that the silly girl really doesn’t know what he’s talking about and Kirk takes a seat.

Hot Alien Babe #1 tells them that if they want to return to the ship they can go. Kirk, being the the committed Starfleet officer he is, tells her they’d rather stay to learn from them and to teach them of his ways. (I can hear the Prime Directive crying from here.) Bones and Scotty ask about simple things, like the difference in temperature between outside and down below, the power supply and the fresh air. Kirk, however, is back to asking who’s in charge. Despite all indications, he’s still not ready to believe that a woman is the leader.

But who controls everything?

Controller. Controller controls. I bet you wouldn’t have guessed that. (You may also note that never once does Hot Alien Babe assign a sex to “Controller” but Kirk still insists on calling it “him.”) No one is permitted to see Controller, however. Our landing party isn’t so good at taking no for an answer. They just want to talk to someone about Spock’s brain.

This brings up one of the best lines in the episode. “Brain and brain! What is brain!?”

No, I didn’t make that up.

But that’s the ticket, isn’t it, Jim? Spock’s brain is the Controller. “Spock’s. Brain. Controls.”

So Kirk does what any rational human would do. He throws up his hands and starts doing his best imitation of what I can only assume is praising of the leader and pleading to see the Controller.

Hot Alien Babe isn’t having any of it though. She hits the “Boinga-Boinga” bracelet again. This time it’s set to maximum overacting and turns Kirk in to a flopping twitching mess on the floor before heading out to do woman things, I guess. When they manage to get back up, all three agree that none of the women could have created anything so complex. Kirk tries to go for his communicator but one of the guards blocks his way.

This of course leave them with only one option.

Fight.

Kirk takes one guard while McCoy and Scotty take the other. McCoy lasts about five seconds before hitting the floor and Scotty only fairs slightly better. Kirk on the other hand takes out his guard and then comes to save the day by taking out the other. I think it’s the patented Kirk flying kick that does it.

Communicator back in hand, Kirk touches base with Spock’s brain. He explains to the brain that they brought his body along for the ride so they could reunite the two. Spock doesn’t sound too enthusiastic. He also doesn’t seem to trust Bones all that much. Nothing personal though, right? It’s just that there is no known technique for restoring a brain.

Kirk goes back to insisting that if it could be removed, it can be put back in.

Even the disembodied brain thinks you’re a bit off on that one, Jim.

Regardless, the brain gets them directions and off they go. Kirk mentions that he doesn’t like his snazzy new belt but doesn’t know how to take it off. The brain tells them to press the red button on a bracelet.

That shouldn’t be too hard.

Once in the Controller’s room, the landing party finds once more that hell hath no fury when Hot Alien Babe zaps them with her bracelet again. Cheesiness on maximum again, they all hit the floor except Spock. McCoy, despite the pain, points it out to Kirk who goes for Robo-Spock’s remote control again. He fights through the cheese and gets Spock over the Hot Alien Babe to press her little red button.

Off pop the belts (you knew Kirk wouldn’t abide anything impeding his ability to gets his pants off).

Hot Alien Babe begs them not to take controller. Not just because she’s greedy but because THEY WILL ALL DIE.

Kirk’s response? “You will find another controller.” So we can’t have your friend, but we can get someone else? Anyone you would recommend?

He carries on demanding that she put Spock’s brain back. Despite having agreed numerous times that these women folk are farto dumb to do much of anything, he’s still sure she can do it. Her, but not McCoy. I love it when he gets all rational like that.

She explains that she doesn’t know (again) and that she got the know-how the first time from “the teacher” which she “put upon her head” (uh huh). The teacher being a super futuristic salon hair dryer that zaps information into your head.

Hot Alien Babe insists that there is nothing she can do. She can only use it at the command of the ancients. Kirk insists that he can protect her. You know, because nothing has ever or will ever slip past Kirk’s defense to hurt people he has promised to protect. She is hysterical by the time Kirk forces her in to the teacher because she will be punished, but Kirk carries on. He’s cool like that.

The teacher does it’s job and kick starts her simple brain. Unfortunately for Jim, she’s also clever enough to have stolen his phaser. And it’s… SET TO KILL!

Tricked by a woman!

She’s also unwilling to give up the Controller. Don’t worry though, Scotty psychs her out with a fake faint and Kirk gets his phaser back. Silly woman.

Since she’s not giving up the secrets of brain-put-back-in-ness, McCoy is up to bat. Spock’s brain points out that the teacher may very well kill him but he seems less concerned. After all, he may be able to retain the knowledge and let the universe know how one may remove and then replace a brain.

I guess that sort of thing would come in handy.

Teacher gives McCoy a splitting headache but manages to get the message across. He jumps in to the surgery with both feet but no one is sure how long he’s going to be able to hang on the the knowledge. Another trip to the teacher will kill him, so that’s no damn good and I guess Kirk and Scotty aren’t really in to that academic stuff because I certainly don’t see them volunteering for the next time around.

While Bones operates Hot Alien Babe is still going on about how her people are doomed. Kirk is unfazed and in accordance with the Prime Directive tells her that her people and their society as it is will have to make drastic changes in order to survive so he can save one person. That’s what the Prime Directive says, right?

But wait! Bones is starting to forget! And his pessimism is coming back with a vengeance! No one can restore a brain! No one!

Kirk points out that he could, just a little while ago. “It was child’s play.”

Cue montage! My god, but Bones’ eyebrow is getting a hell of a workout this episode!

Kirk, ever helpful, makes a log entry and tells Bones to hook up the talky part of the brain so Spock can help Bones replace the rest of his own brain.

Can I pause here to tell you that I really do wish I was making this up? Really I do.

Once the chatter box bit is back up and running, Spock doesn’t hesitate to get on with the technobabble.  This scene is… painful. I love Bones and I love Spock, but sweet Jebus.

With Spock’s brain back in his brain box, Spock is up and about again, chattering away like an excitable 12 year old Vulcan girl. Bones makes a crack about how he should never reconnected the speech centre again and we fade to black with Spock still babbling and everyone else (minus Hot Alien Babe, who’s still a bit worried about her people being doomed) having a good chuckle.

And finally, for your viewing pleasure—“Spock’s Brain: Condensed.”

“Spock’s Brain” is something that really must be witnessed. As much as I can write about it, it just isn’t the same as seeing it. I’ve seen every episode of TOS and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t chalk full of cheese and weirdness but there are a few that stand out from the crowd.

This is one such episode.

It takes my #2 spot for bottom TOS episodes. But it’s certainly something you’ll remember forever.

by Christopher Jones

Missed the beginning of the story? Start with Part 1.

Last time on Star Trek: The Lost Missions

Scotty finally made some progress repairing the Enterprise’s faltering systems. Locating a mysterious device on the planet that was jamming their transmissions, he and Sulu prepared to journey to the surface by shuttle to disable it. Meanwhile, Kirk and McCoy arrived at the cottage accompanied by the Bears. Inside they found that the place had been ransacked. When Spock, Uhura, and Chekov were found napping on Baby Bear’s bed, they became the prime suspects as well as the main course on the Bears’ dinner menu.

And now the conclusion…

A strong wind blew through the forest, shaking the trees and causing some birds to fly away to safer perches as a small ship slowly descended from the sky.

The ride down to the planet’s surface was smooth and uneventful. Whatever was jamming the ships transmissions, it seemed to have no effect on the shuttle’s journey.

The disturbance in the forest continued for several minutes and then suddenly ceased as the shuttle Galileo gently touched down and her engines cut off.

Inside, Scotty and Sulu acted as if they were planning the next great crusade. Well, Sulu did. Scotty was just trying to figure which way to walk to get to the device and to make sure he had the right tools in his bag.

They exited the shuttle and headed into the forest in search of the device. The landing was spot-on and they found it laying in a small clearing a few hundred feet from the shuttle. What is it with small clearings on this planet, anyway? thought the narrator.

“Look, sir,” said Sulu, pointing. “I believe that’s it over there.”

“I believe you’re right, laddie,” responded Scotty.

“The design looks very familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

“Looks familiar to me, too,” agreed Scotty. “I’ve seen something like it before when we were assisting negotiations on Lentari III, near the Neutral Zone.”

“Wasn’t that the planet whose possession was disputed by the Klingons?” asked Sulu.

“That’s right.”

“Could there be any connection?”

“I don’t see how,” said Scotty, “Lentari III is a long way from here.”

After thinking about a possible connection for a few more moments without progress, they finally gave up. More important business awaited them.

“We’d better disable this thing and contact the Captain,” said Scotty.

Sulu agreed and they attempted to disable the device. But with no working phasers, it wasn’t as easy as simply blasting it.

After a few unsuccessful attempts using some very small screwdrivers, they finally shut it down by means of a large hammer.

“When all else fails, whack it,” announced Scotty as he dusted off his hands. “Works every time.”

Satisfied that the job was done, Sulu pulled out his communicator and was about to contact Kirk when he noticed three sets of footprints leading away from the clearing. The footprints were big, leaving deep markings on the dusty ground. The shape wasn’t that of a bear’s foot, but rather a humanoid’s.

“Look, sir,” he said in an astonished voice, almost a shout, “there are footprints over there heading off into the forest. And they’re definitely not made by an animal. Someone has been here recently.” He paused for a moment and then added, “When did we start having equipment problems?”

“About five minutes after the landing party beamed down,” answered Scotty.

“So someone must have placed and activated this device within the past three hours,” speculated Sulu.

“Someone doesn’t want us here,” added Scotty. “Let’s follow those footprints and find out just where they lead.”

Chekov was the last of the Starfleet officers to reach the bottom of the staircase. Coming off the last step, he placed his heavy black boot on the floor and let out a sigh. It was at that moment that a tiny rapping was heard at the front door. Mama Bear told everyone to stay put, walked over to the door, and spoke through it.

“Yes?” she said.

“Is this my grandmother’s house?” asked a thin, high-pitched voice.

“What?” asked Mama Bear, unsure if she had heard correctly.

“I said, ‘Is this my grandmother’s house?’” repeated the thin voice.

Mama Bear opened the door and saw no one. Then she looked down and found a short little girl wearing a red hooded jacket. In the girl’s hand was a light brown straw basket containing a loaf of bread.

Spock noticed the bread immediately. He walked over to Mama Bear, disobeying her orders.

“Pardon me, little girl,” he said in the same tone that he would use when talking to the captain. “I could not help noticing that you have some bread. For what reason do you carry this item?”

The girl looked at him, puzzled.

Mama Bear glared at him. “I told you to stay put. I may just have to eat you right now.”

“Calm yourself, Mama,” he replied. “We found our way to your cottage by following a trail of bread crumbs. I believe that this little girl came here while you were away, destroyed your home, and then left the trail so that she could find her way back in case she needed to return.”

“And why would she return to the scene of her crime?” asked Mama Bear.

“This I do not know. Most illogical. However, an ancestor of mine maintained that if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Little Red Riding Hood followed the conversation with a frightened look on her face, like an innocent person who is being sentenced to death row.

“I didn’t hurt your home,” she said quickly. “I’ve just been looking for my grandmother’s house. A big bad wolf was chasing me so I took a shortcut. But I became lost and your cottage is the first one I’ve seen in hours. It looks just like my grandmother’s.”

Mama Bear wasn’t sure what to make of the little girl’s story, so she threw her into the living room along with the others and locked them all up.

Sulu and Scotty followed the footsteps about 150 meters into the forest until they came across another clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a small plastic container that looked like a bear. Inside was honey.

“Look, Mr. Scott,” said Sulu with excitement, “there’s a honey bear! I used to have those when I was a boy back on Earth. I have some crackers in the shuttle. Why don’t we take this back with us and we can have a snack.”

“I am a wee bit hungry, laddie,” replied Scotty. “Sounds like a good idea to me.”

They walked over to the bottle and Sulu leaned over to pick it up.

As he wrapped his hand around the little bear’s waist, a net came flying up out of the ground and left them both dangling in the air.

This event surprised both men greatly, but not as much as what they saw when they looked out from their prison. Across the way, about 10 meters from their position, were three more men caught in another net.

Kirk paced back and forth across the trash-laden living room as he tried to devise a plan of escape. They had already tried the door knob, but it wouldn’t turn. There were no windows in this room, so climbing out wasn’t an option. Digging a tunnel through the floor and outside to freedom crossed his mind, but for that they’d need a shovel, and he’d left his on the ship. He was just about to give up when…

“Captain, our tricorders are once again functioning,” announced Spock.

“Great!” yelled Kirk in a subdued yet forceful tone, his mind already churning with this new information. “Scan the cottage.”

“Already underway.”

Kirk waited a few short moments. “Well, what have you got?”

“Fascinating,” replied Spock. “There appear to be two additional life forms on the second floor.”

“Are you certain they’re not the bears?”

“Affirmative. All three bears are now on the first floor, just beyond this door.”

“We have to get out of here and inform them that someone is hiding in their cottage. Any ideas.”

“Well, since the tricorder is working,” offered Uhura, “the phaser probably is, too.”

“Good thinking, Lieutenant.”

They all stepped back. Spock lifted his phaser and aimed it at the door. A red beam leapt out from the weapon and struck the knob, which began to glow bright red from the heat. Suddenly there was a loud crackle and smoke began to float up into the air.

The door popped open.

Out rushed the Starfleet officers followed by Little Red Riding Hood, who was skipping and whistling in excitement over her newfound freedom.

“Papa Bear,” called out Kirk, “there’s something you should know about your cottage.”

“Something other than the fact that it will play host to a delicious dinner of you tonight?”

“Yes,” shot back Kirk. “There is someone hiding upstairs. Our equipment has started working again and we picked up their life signs on our tricorders.”

“How convenient,” said Mama Bear, doing her best Church Lady impression.

“This is no time for variety show skits,” said McCoy in annoyance, “someone could be dying up there. For God’s sake, bear, let me help.”

Papa Bear finally agreed to have a look and everyone ascended the staircase. Little Red found it difficult to skip on the stairs, so she resigned to walking.

When they reached the top of the stairs and looked into the room, they heard rustling sounds coming from the closet. Papa Bear walked to the door. It was locked. He turned the latch and flung open the door.

Everyone gasped.

Inside were two children — one boy and one girl. Finally they had found the real perpetrators, and Kirk and company would no longer be eaten. The jury was still out on Little Red, who would soon have to head back into the forest to avoid the wolf and find her grandmother’s house.

Papa Bear told Mama Bear to go prepare the oven. Then he examined the two shaking children. In their hands were some small loafs of bread from which pieces were missing.

“Here’s the real source of those bread crumbs,” he told Spock.

“Indeed,” replied the Vulcan.

Kirk approached the closet, looked at the children, and began to question them.

“What are your names?”

There was a moment of terrifying hesitation.

“I’m Hansel,” said the little boy in a scared and timid voice. “And this is Gretel.”

“What the hell are you doing hiding in this closet?” asked McCoy.

“And why did you ransack this house?” added Kirk.

“We didn’t do anything to this cottage,” responded Hansel. His voice shook so badly that, if you could have attached a hand mixer to his vocal cords, you could have made a fresh fruit smoothie.

Gretel was a little less frightened and jumped into the interrogation. In a more level voice she explained, “We received an invitation to a party that was to be held at this cottage. We thought it would be fun, but since we aren’t familiar with this part of the forest we left a trail of bread crumbs so we wouldn’t become lost. When we arrived, we found three huge men inside screaming, eating and drinking, and destroying things. They brought us up here and locked us in the closet.”

“So you didn’t break anything?” asked Uhura in a gentle voice. The children shook their heads ‘No.’

“Then if they didn’t do it, who did?” asked Chekov.

Kirk decided that they should try contacting the Enterprise. They could have Sulu run some sensor sweeps of the planet to look for other humanoid life signs. He flicked open his communicator.

“Kirk to Enterprise.”

Nurse Chapel responded. “Yes, Captain.”

“Nurse Chapel?” replied Kirk. “What are you doing on the bridge?”

“Mr. Sulu left me in command while he went down to the planet.”

“Why did he come down to the planet? He was supposed to be taking care of my ship.”

“Something about a jamming device. Mr. Scott is with him.”

“Understood. Thank you, Nurse. Kirk out.”

Kirk looked at the others and they discussed the situation. They decided to go downstairs and have some tea with the Bears, then contact Sulu and Scotty. After they were all back together they would unravel the mystery of who had destroyed the cottage and who was placing jamming devices on the planet.

As they sat down at the table, Mama Bear was already filling the cups.

Tea-time was interrupted by a knock at the front door. Papa Bear stood up, walked across the room, and answered it. Standing in the doorway was a fourth bear. He wore a ranger’s cap, a khaki shirt, and khaki shorts. With him were five men.

“I found these men trespassing in the forest,” he told Papa Bear. “The two in the pajamas here told me that they had found some kind of device that was jamming communications signals. I had no idea what they meant, so I decided to bring them to you since you have that equipment recovered from the crashed ship.”

Kirk stepped forward and looked at the tallest of the three new men.

“My dear Captain Kolath,” he said, “what the hell are you doing here?”

The Klingon captain looked at him with a glare and then spoke.

“We have just completed a long and victorious battle with an old derelict space probe. We passed by this planet and decided to take a little R&R.”

“You mean you decided to have a party,” corrected McCoy.

The Klingon just sneered.

“Did you destroy these poor bears’ cottage?” continued McCoy.

One of the other Klingons unsheathed his dagger, but Kolath signaled him to put it away.

“It seemed like the best place for a celebration.”

“And that red stuff over there on the table,” said Uhura, pointing across the room, “is that blood wine?”

“It is,” responded Kolath proudly. “Would you like a cup?”

All the Klingons began to laugh as Uhura backed away with a look of disgust on her face.

“And what about the jamming device?” asked Scotty.

“That was just a joke. Kelgard does some strange things when he has too much blood wine,” responded Kolath, looking over at his first officer.

“Kolath,” said Kirk in a challenging voice, “you realize that you are in Federation space.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” lied Kolath.

“You are in violation of treaty and you have destroyed property. I’d hate to have to haul you back to the nearest starbase in our brig.”

The cheer went out of the Klingons’ eyes and they decided that it was better to let this one go.

“I give you 15 minutes to be on your way.”

With this the three warriors bowed, turned, and hurriedly left the cottage.

Back on the bridge of the Enterprise, everyone gathered ‘round the captain’s chair for a joke and the moral of the story. This was everyone’s favorite part of the mission, and they just wished that they could skip the being-eaten-by-a-bear part and just jump straight to this.

“I still don’t understand why the Bears wanted to eat you, Spock,” said McCoy. “That green blood of yours must taste awful.”

“Their desire to eat me was no doubt due to their impeccable taste.”

Kirk chuckled and looked around at his shipmates.

“If we’ve learned anything here,” he said, “it’s that bears are dangerous animals when angry. We should all be careful when roaming aimlessly in the forest.”

“Parents should watch their children at all times,” said Uhura.

“And if you see a honey container,” added Sulu. “Don’t pick it up.”

The sound of laughter filled the bridge as the Enterprise left orbit and shot off into the deep blackness.

The End.

Read the entire GoldiSpock and the Three Bears saga. Use the links below to jump to each installment:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven (You are here.)

by Christopher Jones

Missed the beginning of the story? Start with Part 1.

Last time on Star Trek: The Lost Missions

Spock, Uhura, and Chekov followed the trail of bread crumbs and arrived at the cottage. Inside they found a scene of destruction, as well a some delicious porridge. Also inside were additional bread crumbs and heavy metal tankards containing a red liquid. After exploring the entire place, they all fell asleep on the smallest of the three beds on the second floor. Meanwhile, Kirk and McCoy met three bears who turned out to be the owners of the cottage. Having discovered how the structure ended up on the planet, Kirk and McCoy were ready to return to the ship but couldn’t because of malfunctioning equipment and missing crew members. The Bears agreed to help them and they headed off into the forest, in the direction of the cottage.

And now the continuation…

The whistling call of the Enterprise’s communications system filled the bridge as blue-clad science officers and red-clad engineers scurried around trying to isolate the cause of the equipment failure. Hikaru Sulu perked up in the captain’s chair and hoped that this was good news. He had been waiting an hour and fifty-nine minutes for a solution. Time was running out.

He reached down to the arm of the chair and pressed the flashing button. “This is the bridge,” he said.

“Good news, laddie,” said Scotty in a cheerful voice, “I’ve found the problem.”

“Good work, sir. How soon can you have everything operational?”

“Well,” Scotty replied with hesitation, “before I can do that we’ll have to make a wee trip down to the planet.”

“The planet?” Sulu said in surprise.

“Yes, sir,” confirmed Scotty. “I got the short range sensors partially functioning again, but couldn’t do anything with the communications or the long range sensors. And I still can’t pick up any lifesigns. But I did find something unusual.”

“What is it, sir?”

“There’s some sort of transmitter on the surface that’s jamming our sensors and communications equipment. It appears to be rather advanced. It can’t be indigenous to this planet, and it certainly isn’t ours.”

“If it’s jamming our sensors, how did you cut through with the short range ones?” asked Sulu.

“I modulated the frequency to a tighter bandwidth.”

“Couldn’t you do that with the other equipment?”

“No, sir,” replied Scotty, “that feature isn’t scheduled for implementation until the next generation starship.”

“Of course,” answered Sulu with a slight hint of frustration. It was funny how often these little problems seriously affected the Enterprise’s missions. “So can we beam down to the surface?”

“No, sir,” replied Scotty, establishing a theme. “The device is also scattering the transporter signal. We’ll have to go down by shuttle.”

“Understood. Meet me in the shuttle bay in five minutes.”

Sulu pressed the button on the chair’s arm once again to switch off the communicator, handed over command of the bridge, and then disappeared into the turbolift.

When the Bears, Kirk and McCoy arrived at the cottage, they were surprised to find that the door was already open. They were even more surprised at what they found inside.

Baby Bear had the habit of running in ahead of his parents after their evening walk and climbing up into his booster seat for a bowl of delicious porridge. Tonight he was disappointed.

“Papa, Mama,” he cried out, “someone has been in our home!”

Papa Bear and Mama Bear looked around the room and were shocked at the destruction. Shattered windows, broken picture frames, and damaged furniture littered the place.

“Don’t you ever clean up around here?” asked Kirk.

“Of course,” answered Mama Bear. “We are usually very tidy. When we left the place was spotless.”

“Obviously someone has been here,” added Papa Bear.

They approached the table where Baby Bear was already sitting, but it was difficult to walk with all the trash on the floor.

“Bones,” said Kirk, “give me a hand with this garbage. We need to get it out of the way.”

“Damn it, Jim,” replied McCoy in annoyance, “I’m a doctor, not a maid.”

“Would you just give me a hand?” shot back Kirk.

They cleared off the floor a bit and examined the table, which looked like the mess hall on a Klingon ship after a glorious battle.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge,” said Papa Bear.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge,” said Mama Bear.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge,” said Baby Bear, “and it’s all gone.”

They all gasped in horror. Who would break into a cottage in the middle of the forest and eat someone’s porridge?

They decided to examine the rest of their home. They walked into the adjoining room where they usually spent time relaxing in their rocking chairs, reading and knitting.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” said Papa Bear.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” said Mama Bear.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” said Baby Bear, “and it’s broken!”

This was just too much for the Bears. Papa Bear’s expression changed from one of gentle cooperation to one of fury. “We’d better check upstairs,” he said to his wife in a husky voice.

They all went up to the second floor and entered the bedroom, almost tripping over the now empty tankard as they did so. A trail of red footprints were left behind them as they walked.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,” said Papa Bear.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,” said Mama Bear.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,” said Baby Bear, “and they’re still there!”

He pointed to the three figures who were sound asleep on his bed — the figures of Spock, Uhura, and Chekov.

“So it was your people all along,” Papa Bear shouted at Kirk. “You found out about us somehow and came to destroy us.”

“I assure you that is not why we are here,” replied Kirk in his most diplomatic voice. “And I also assure you that my officers did not ransack your home,” he added.

“Evidence would seem to indicate otherwise,” said Mama Bear.

“Daddy, Daddy,” cried Baby Bear, “can I eat the pointy-eared guy?”

“Maybe later, son.”

Kirk realized that they were in trouble. With no functioning equipment and no way to return to the ship, they would have to prove their innocence in order to escape alive.

“Bones,” he said, turning to the doctor, “can you wake them up?”

“Sure,” answered McCoy. He walked over to the bed, put his hand on Spock’s shoulder, and shook him. “Spock, wake up!” he yelled.

Spock didn’t move. He repeated these steps on Uhura and Chekov but still nothing happened. “Better use a hypospray,” he said out loud, more for himself than for the others. He placed the hypospray against the neck of each officer and, after three short bursts of air, they all woke up.

“Captain,” said Spock, still a bit groggy. “What happened?’

“You fell asleep, you green-blooded son-of-a-bitch,” answered McCoy before Kirk could speak.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” asked Kirk, ignoring McCoy.

“We followed a trail of bread crumbs from the forest to the entrance of this structure,” recalled Spock. “When we arrived, we found that the door was already cracked open, so we entered. Inside we found no one, but the place must have been visited recently as the inner rooms were in utter disarray. We began examining the first room and were overcome by the deliciousness of the…” he struggled to remember the term.

“Porridge,” jumped in Chekov.

“Yes, porridge, and ate the contents of the smallest bowl.”

“I knew it!” shouted Papa Bear.

“I am sorry,” he said to Papa Bear with no emotion whatsoever, “we could not help ourselves. It was, after all, just right.”

He then continued with his account of what had happened.

“Then we began to examine the other rooms. In the next room we found more destruction. Clearly, someone had been on a rampage here, sir.”

“Yes, Mr. Spock, clearly,” said Kirk. “Please continue. What happened next?”

“Next we came upstairs and found these beds. We were all feeling very sleepy for some reason and decided to take a rest here.”

Papa Bear and Mama Bear looked at each other and an expression of total agreement came across their faces without even a single word spoken. Papa Bear looked sternly at Kirk.

“Clearly you are the purpetrators of this hideous crime. Have you no decency in you, Kirk?” he said. “We offer you help and in return you wreck our home. For that, I shall serve you to my family for dinner.”

He then turned to Mama Bear. “Take them downstairs and lock them in the living room,” he said.

Kirk refused to put up a fight just yet. He was sure that there would be a way out of this that would avoid bloodshed. The Enterprise crew followed the Bears downstairs without a struggle.

As they descended the stairs a brief rustling sound was heard coming from the bedroom. But it quickly died away.

to be continued…

Can Scotty and Sulu successfully locate and disable the jamming device? How will Kirk and crew escape from the cottage? Who ransacked the Bears’ home? All of these question and more will be answered in the next and final installment of “GoldiSpock and the Three Bears.”

Read the entire GoldiSpock and the Three Bears saga. Use the links below to jump to each installment:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six (You are here.)
Part Seven

by Christopher Jones

Missed the beginning of the story? Start with Part 1.

Last time on Star Trek: The Lost Missions

After failing to find their way using a toy compass, Spock, Uhura, and Chekov found a trail of bread crumbs leading off into the forest and decided to follow it. Back on the Enterprise Scotty and Sulu continued to search for the cause of the sensor and communications failures with little success. Meanwhile, Kirk and McCoy set out in search of Spock but became lost. While working out their next course of action they were approached by three figures emerging from the forest.

And now the continuation…

The late afternoon sun glared down on the forest and made it difficult for Kirk and McCoy to see more than just the silhouettes of the three figures coming towards them. But silhouettes were all they needed to realize that the figures were not Spock, Uhura, and Chekov. Two of them were much bigger than the Enterprise crew members. The third was much smaller.

As the distance between them lessened, disappointment turned to surprise when the lifting shadows revealed three bears.

The two groups looked at each other and there was a moment of awkward silence. Then the silence was broken.

“I’m Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Please identify yourselves.”

“My name is Papa Bear,” said the largest of the three newcomers in a husky voice.

“And this is my wife, Mama Bear, and our son, Baby Bear.”

“On behalf of the United Federation of Planets,” said Kirk, “it is an honor to meet you.”

The three bears nodded.

“We’re sorry to trespass on your planet,” he added, “but we thought that this world was uninhabited.”

“At one time it was,” said Papa Bear. “But a few years ago a human with an overactive imagination crashed here. Somehow all of his thoughts came to life…” Papa Bear paused to think about how best to explain the reason for his existence. “… and he had some strange fixation on ancient Earth fairy tales and children’s stories.”

McCoy looked up at the sky and shook his head in disbelief. “Angels and ministers of grace defend us,” he mumbled.

“Hamlet, Act I Scene 4,” announced Mama Bear.

“What?” said Kirk.

“He also had a thing for Shakespeare,” answered Mama Bear.

“Oh,” quipped Kirk in surprise, “so this all explains a few things. But I’ve also got three missing officers, one dead ensign, and a bunch of equipment that isn’t working. I don’t recall any fairy tales involving that.”

“We are aware of the other three officers,” responded Papa Bear. “In fact, when we heard your voices while walking through the forest we thought that you were them.”

“How did you know about them?”

“A little bird told us.”

McCoy rolled his eyes and looked at Kirk with an expression of disbelief. “This is getting too strange,” he said. “We have to wrap this up, get back to the ship and be on our way.”

“I agree,” said Kirk. Then he looked back at Papa Bear.

“We must find our shipmates,” he said to the Bears with a sense of urgency. “We have important medical supplies on our ship that must be delivered to Ixtari Prime before they spoil. Will you help us?”

The Bears huddled together like a football team planning the game-winning drive in their showdown with the Packers. Several minutes passed.

Finally they broke the huddle.

“My family wanted to eat you,” Papa Bear explained. “But we’ve decided to help you instead since it was your planet’s culture that gave birth to us in the first place. You know what they say, ‘Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.’”

“That’s very kind of you,” said Kirk.

“We have a small cottage not far from here with communications equipment that was recovered from the Earth ship that crashed here. The equipment is still functional. We shall all return there and attempt to contact your ship and locate your missing officers.”

With a plan now in place, the Bears, Kirk, and McCoy all headed off into the forest in the direction of the cottage, stopping only briefly to eat a few ants that were scurrying up a tree.

The trail of bread crumbs stretched on for some time. The sun began to set and the wind picked up. The dancing leaves high above created deep shadows below that gave the whole forest an uneasy spookiness.

After about fifteen minutes the bread crumbs ended at the front door of a small cottage. The door was already cracked.

Spock carefully nudged the door open and peeked inside.

“The structure seems to be deserted,” he said to the others, “but it appears to have been visited recently.”

He pushed the door open all the way and it creaked on its hinges. Beyond the doorway lay a small room containing a large wooden table with three chairs. One chair had a small black booster seat in it. The walls of the room were adorned with photos of three bears. They were family shots taken at various locations — in the forest, near a waterfall, amidst the wreckage of a spacecraft.

Spacecraft wreckage? thought Spock. That’s a strange place for a Kodak moment. Despite the odd locale, the photos were very attractive. At least at one time they were. Now they were in broken frames, hanging awkwardly on the wall, glass shattered.

“Vat happened to this place?” asked Chekov. “It looks like a tornado hit.”

Spock and Uhura took notice of the destruction around the room. “It looks like someone recently finished dinner,” said Uhura, pointing at the table.

On the table were three bowls filled with a thick, whitish, soupy substance. Also on the table were two heavy metal tankards lying on their sides, a red liquid spilling from them onto the table.

“Clearly someone has been here recently,” said Spock.

They all walked over to the first and largest bowl.

“What is this thick substance?” he asked.

Chekov dipped his finger in the bowl but jerked it out quickly and let out a yelp. “This one is too hot, sir.”

“As would be indicated by the large amount of steam rising from it, Mr. Chekov. Perhaps you should try that one over there,” said Spock, indicating the middle-sized bowl.

Chekov walked over and dipped his index finger in. He scooped up some of the substance and put it into his mouth. “Porridge, sir,” he told Spock. “‘Twas invented by a little old lady from Leningrad. But this one is too cold.”

Spock chose to ignore the latest addition to Mr. Chekov’s alternate history in which everything in the universe was invented by Russians. Instead, he went over to the smallest bowl and sampled the porridge.

“Mr. Chekov, Lieutenant Uhura,” he called to the others, “I do believe that you will find this one to be just right.”

All three officers tried the porridge and found that it was delicious. Soon they had eaten it all. Afterwards they went into an adjoining room and found the remains of a coffee table, a china cabinet, and several other pieces of now unidentifiable furniture. Also in the room were three wooden rocking chairs of varying sizes. On the chair backs were draped beautiful handmade quilts that featured a checkered pattern of red, black, and deep green. For some odd reason the chairs were undamaged. Uhura went over to the largest one and sat down. She slid all the way to the back as she was swallowed by the enormous rocker.

“This one is too big,” she informed Spock and Chekov.

Chekov tried the middle-sized chair but found that it was also uncomfortable. “Zis one is also too big,” he said.

Spock examined the smallest chair and then sat down. A loud cracking noise filled the room and wood fragments were sent flying as Spock smashed right through the chair and onto the floor.

“This one is too small,” he said, quickly regaining his composure. “But if we were smaller I believe that it would be just right.”

They all stood and looked at each other. So far the cottage had failed to reveal any clues as to how it got on this lifeless planet, or why it had been ransacked. They all said as much and discussed a few ideas. Then Uhura yawned.

“I’m feeling very sleepy, Mr. Spock,” she said with a wavering voice. “Why don’t we see if there are any beds in this place.”

“Very well. I believe there was a staircase in the main room. Perhaps their are beds upstairs.”

The three officers reentered the first room, found a small staircase leading to the second floor, and ascended it. As they were on their way up they heard a noise coming from around the corner. At the top of the stairs they found another room and two bread crumbs on the floor. Alongside the breadcrumbs lay a heavy metal tankard. It was tipped over on its side and a red liquid ran from it, puddled near the top of the staircase, and slowly dripped onto the steps below.

Inside the room were three beds — one large, one middle-sized, and one small. Debris covered the floor and the window was flung open, the glass shattered on the floor. Despite the recent upheaval that the room had seen, all was now quiet and still. The noise they had heard a moment earlier had ceased.

Uhura brushed some ceiling plaster off the largest bed and climbed onto it, thinking it would be the most luxurious. Instead she found that it was not to her liking. “This one is too hard,” she announced.

Chekov jumped onto the middle-sized bed and suddenly disappeared. A moment later he resurfaced and told the others that it was too soft.

“Perhaps we should try this one,” said Spock, pointing to the third bed. It was the smallest of the three but rather spacious nonetheless.

He sat down on it. After a moment he raised one eyebrow. “This one is just right,” he said. Uhura and Chekov joined him.

“I’m also feeling very drowsy,” Chekov told the others.

“As am I,” added Spock. “I do not understand why as I am Vulcan and do not require much sleep.”

The eyelids of all three grew heavier and within five minutes they were all sound asleep.

to be continued…

Will the Bears really help Kirk and McCoy, or are they planning a surprise dinner engagement? Will Spock, Uhura, and Chekov awake from their nap bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? Who vandalized the cottage? And what are Scotty and Sulu up to? All of these questions and more will be answered in the next installment of “GoldiSpock and the Three Bears.”

Read the entire GoldiSpock and the Three Bears saga. Use the links below to jump to each installment:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five (You are here.)
Part Six
Part Seven

by Christopher Jones

Missed the beginning of the story? Start with Part 1.

Last time on Star Trek: The Lost Missions

The whereabouts of the Enterprise were finally ascertained, right where it should have been — in orbit. While Sulu proudly reminded everyone that he is George Takei, Scotty attempted to pinpoint the cause of the communications failure. Meanwhile, on the planet’s surface, Kirk and McCoy found out that “eyeballing it” probably isn’t the best way to make medicines and killed a bear. Spock and company continued to wait offstage for the needle to stop spinning.

And now the continuation…

The needle didn’t stop. They waited patiently for more than half an hour, but the needle didn’t stop.

Spock broke the silence. “It would seem,” he observed, “that this spinning wheel just got to go ‘round. Have you experienced previous difficulties with this instrument, Lieutenant Uhura?”

“It’s the strangest thing, Mr. Spock,” said Uhura. “It’s never done this before.”

“It must be the planet’s magnetic field causing fluctuations,” responded Spock.

Ensign Chekov was pacing a few feet away, keeping silent but growing impatient. Finally he became too restless and broke in to the conversation.

“Vat do we do now, sir?” he asked, his Russian accent cutting through.

“We must find another method of locating the cottage, Ensign.”

“And how do we do that?” asked Uhura.

“I’m not sure,” said Spock, “but the next logical step would be to think of something.”

“Vat would we do without you,” replied Chekov sarcastically, eyes rolling heavenward.

James T. Kirk had seen a lot of men die during his Starfleet career, but never a bear. The sight of the huge brown hulk lying crumpled in the clearing was somehow surreal to him. How had a bear set such a trap, and why? These were questions that would now go unanswered. If Spock were here, he’d ask him to attempt a mind meld. But somehow he didn’t much think it would work, seeing as how the bear was dead and all. And besides, Spock wasn’t here. He’d just have to go on wondering why it came to this, why a bear had to die.

“Snap out of it, Jim,” said McCoy.

“What?”

“I said ‘Snap out of it.’ You’ve been standing there dazed for more than a minute.”

“Sorry, I just can’t believe… I mean… the green stuff usually works,” responded Kirk as he slowly came back in to the moment.

“Every bear’s gotta die sometime,” said McCoy. “I guess this was his. Besides, doesn’t his fur look a little reddish to you?”

“Enough about the bear,” said Kirk abruptly. “We have to continue with our mission.”

“Which is?”

“That’s a good question. Why did we beam down here, anyway?”

“Something about a cottage, wasn’t it,” offered McCoy.

“Right,” answered Kirk in a confused voice, “a cottage. What about it?”

“Beats the hell out of me.”

“Maybe Spock knows. If only we knew where he was,” said Kirk.

“Without functioning communicators we can’t contact him,” said McCoy, stating the obvious. “Maybe we should go back the way we came and then head down the trail they took.”

“Good thinking, Bones. Let’s get out of here.”

Kirk and McCoy left the clearing and didn’t look back. In the center of the clearing lay the first bear they’d seen today—but not the last.

The engine room of the Enterprise was busier than a Wal-Mart on the day after Thanksgiving. Men and women in red shirts—secretly thanking the divine being that they weren’t part of the landing party—scurried from console to console trying to isolate the cause of the communications and sensor failures.

No luck.

An hour and a half had passed since Scotty promised Sulu an answer within two hours, and he was no closer to finding the problem than he was when he started. Sometimes eight hours really means eight hours. His reputation as a miracle worker could be in danger.

“I just can’t seem to find anything wrong with the bloody thing,” he told Sulu over the ship’s internal comm system. “So far every component checks out.”

“Maybe it’s being cause by some sort of emission from the planet,” suggested Sulu.

“That’s as good a guess as any,” replied Scotty. “Have the science officer scan the planet for any unusual activity.”

“He’s on the planet’s surface.”

“Not Spock, you moron!” said Scotty incredulously. “Have the backup officer do it.”

“Right.”

Scotty turned off the communicator and shook his head. He’s gonna be a captain one day, is he? Right, he thought to himself. And if my grandmother had wheels she’d be a wagon.

“After carefully taking all factors into consideration,” announced Spock, “I believe that I have formulated the best possible plan. What we shall do is disassemble one communicator and…”

“Vat is that on the ground over there,” cut in Chekov.

“Where?” asked Spock.

“Over there,” he said, pointing to a barely visible spot about 30 feet from where the three were standing.

They all followed Chekov’s finger and tried to find what he had.

“I see it,” said Uhura. “It looks like some kind of food.”

“Yes,” agreed Spock, “it appears to be a bread crumb.”

“I guess this planet isn’t as lifeless as we thought,” said Chekov.

“It would seem that way, Mr. Chekov.”

The three began to walk toward the crumb. The trail was rather narrow, so wherever it turned even slightly visibility was at a minimum. As they moved closer to the bread crumb, they found that it had a companion.

“Look, Mr. Spock,” said Uhura, “there’s another one.”

“And another,” added Spock.

“There’s a whole trail of them, sir,” said Chekov, excitement entering his voice like a little boy who has just found his Christmas presents while rummaging though the top of his parents’ closet. “Maybe we should follow it.”

“My thinking precisely,” replied Spock.

The bird perched high in the tree still seemed confused as the three figures receded into the dense growth of the forest. After a moment’s thought, it flew away.

The single yellow sun of Gamma Ursa cut its way across the afternoon sky as the hands of the clock counted off the 22 hours of a day on Gamma Ursa IV. At the same time, Kirk and McCoy cut their way back across the forest in the direction where they thought they would meet up with Spock, Uhura, and Chekov.

It had been at least 30 minutes since they had passed the clearing where the entire group had first arrived, but still there was no sign of the others. Finally they came to a stop under an unusually tall tree, its leaves rustling in the breeze.

“I think we’re lost, Jim,” said McCoy between heavy breaths. The long hike had begun to tire him.

“I think so, too,” agreed Kirk. “We should rest here for a few minutes before moving on.”

“Moving on to where?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet,” Kirk calmly answered, “but I’m working on it.”

The two men sat down on a long, thick log and Kirk began formulating his next course of action. McCoy started rummaging noisily through his med kit.

“Could you just relax, Bones?” asked Kirk rhetorically. “I’m trying to think.”

McCoy responded in a huff, never looking up from his kit. “How’s a man supposed to relax at a time like this. I mean, here we are, lost in the middle of a forest with no way of getting back to the ship,” he rambled, “to say nothing of finding Spock, and you want me to relax?”

There was a brief pause. Kirk was about to speak when McCoy began ranting once again, still rummaging through his med kit.”We have to find a solution and find it soon. The sun will be setting before long and…”

“Look, Bones,” said Kirk as three figures emerged from the forest, walking toward them, “I believe we just found our solution.”

to be continued…

Where will the trail of bread crumbs lead? Will Scotty salvage his reputation as a miracle worker? Where did the bird that had been watching Spock, Uhura, and Chekhov go when it flew away? All of these questions and more will be answered in the next installment of “GoldiSpock and the Three Bears.”

Read the entire GoldiSpock and the Three Bears saga. Use the links below to jump to each installment:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four (You are here.)
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven

by Christopher Jones

Missed the beginning of the story? Start with Part 1.

Last time on Star Trek: The Lost Missions…

After Spock’s team went missing in action during Part 1, they were finally spotted by a bird perched high in a tree. Unfortunately, they were found to be lost and without a functioning tricorder. Forced to resort to a toy compass to gain their bearing, they eagerly waited for the needle to stop spinning. Meanwhile, Ensign Jackson was finally eaten, but by a bear rather than a Venus flytrap, and Kirk and McCoy found themselves caught in a net, dangling from a tree. The Enterprise had still not been heard from.

And now the continuation…

High above Gamma Ursa IV orbited a large gray ship whose less than graceful design — a large saucer connected to an angled neckpiece that sat upon a cigar-shaped body, one nacelle sticking out on each side — was by no means beautiful, but could nevertheless win your heart. As Starfleet’s flagship, the U.S.S. Enterprise was equipped with state-of-the-art technology and was one of mankind’s greatest achievements. An outside observer would have taken note of this ship with admiration. They would have also taken note of it with odd curiosity due to one particular feature. Protruding from the ship’s cigar-shaped body, just at the point where the angled neckpiece joined it, was a thin piece of ordinary string that rose indefinitely into space above the ship. The observer would have been at a loss to explain this feature.

Inside this great metallic space bird sat a young Japanese man. And he looked delighted.

The chair in which he sat was not his. Rather it belonged to Captain James T. Kirk; but Hikaru Sulu had been told to keep it warm until the captain returned. He looked down at the arm of the chair and pressed a small button. Almost immediately a sound filled the air.

“Aye, Scotty ‘ere” said the Enterprise’s chief engineer, Montgomery Scott, his Scottish accent making every word sound delightful. “Wha’ canna do for ya?”

“I’m sorry to disturb you Mr. Scott,” replied Sulu politely, “but I just wanted to remind you that I’m George Takei.”

“Understood, laddie.”

“One day I’m going to have a ship of my own.”

“As you wish.”

There was an awkward pause. “Anything else you wanna tell me?” queried Scotty.

“Oh, yes. I almost forgot,” answered Sulu, snapping back to reality. “I also wanted to inform you that we have lost contact with the landing party. We were tracking them on sensors when they left the clearing. But now sensors show no life signs and they aren’t responding to hails.”

“I see,” said Scotty, a slight twinge of concern entering his voice, “It must be interference from the atmosphere, but just to be safe I’d better double-check our equipment.”

“Good thinking, sir. How long will it take?”

“Well, laddie, normally it’d take eight hours… but today I’m runnin’ a special. I’ll do it for ya in two.”

The commotion in the forest clearing had begun to die down as the number of humanoids present was reduced by one. The grizzly bear that had just devoured Ensign Jackson now stood still, staring up in the air at the two men trapped in the net.

“Well, that about does it for Jackson,” quipped Kirk. “He was a good officer; just had bad fashion sense.”

“You can say that again,” responded the doctor. “And did you know I wasn’t even aware that he was hypoglycemic? Not that it matters much now.”

“No, it doesn’t seem so important at the moment,” agreed Kirk. “But what is important is how we are going to get out of this net. That bear looks pretty angry.”

“It’s a good thing we were up here when he came out of the bushes,” added McCoy.

“But now we’d better get out of here, Bones. Any ideas?”

“We could use a phaser,” proposed the doctor.

“Good thinking.”

Kirk squeezed his hand between his thigh and McCoy’s chest and extracted his phaser. Pointing it at the net as best he could, he prepared to fire. “Get ready to fall,” he warned McCoy, and then he pushed the button.

Nothing happened.

“Come on, Jim, fire the damn phaser.”

“I just did. It looks like it isn’t working. Can you reach your communicator? Maybe we can get Sulu to beam us out of here.”

“Sure, just a second… here it is.”

Doctor McCoy gave the communicator to Kirk, who then tried to flip it open in his usual cool fashion only to find that there wasn’t enough space. Instead he had to slowly pry it open enough to activate it.

“Kirk to Enterprise, come in Mr. Sulu.”

Nothing.

“Kirk to Enterprise, Mr. Sulu, Scotty, can you read me?”

Still nothing.

“It looks like this isn’t working either. I guess we’ll have to get out of here the old fashioned way.”

The relative silence that had fallen upon the clearing following the transformation of Jackson from frightened Ensign into lunch was suddenly broken by the sound of movement from below.

“Jim,” said McCoy nervously, “what’s that bear doing?”

“It looks like he’s preparing to lower the net.”

“You think he is the one who set the trap?”

“Certainly looks that way. We’ve seen stranger things, you know.”

Both men looked down at the bear, sized him up, and agreed that he was probably after more than the honey.

“We’re going to need some way to incapacitate him before he can eat us, Bones. Do you have any tranquilizers?”

“I’m not sure, Jim. You need one?”

“Funny, Bones.”

“Let me get this med kit open and I’ll see what we’ve got.”

McCoy managed with difficulty to open the small black medical case that he always carried when joining the landing party. Peeking inside the case he found very little that was useful.

“It looks like most of this stuff is useless since our equipment isn’t functioning,” he told the Captain. “All I’ve got to work with is a syringe and four vials of different colored liquids.”

This concerned Kirk, but, hating to lose, he quickly began formulating a plan.

“What colors have you got?” he asked McCoy.

“There’s red, blue, yellow, and… clear.”

“No green?”

“None.”

“Damn it! We didn’t come this far just to be stopped by a chromatic deficiency,” exclaimed Kirk.

“What the hell are you talking about, Jim?” asked McCoy, puzzled.

“The green stuff. You remember, it saved us on that planet that looked like Earth—the one with that girl. What was her name? Mary? Miri?”

“Oh, yeah. Miri. All the adults had been dying, but my special green concoction saved everyone.”

“Can you whip some up?”

“Well let’s see, I’ve got blue and yellow. Yeah, Jim, I think I can.”

“And can you change the formula so that it will put the bear to sleep rather than keeping him from aging?”

“I believe so.”

“Then hurry! We’re starting to move.”

The bear stood on its hind legs, holding a rope with its two front paws. It was slowly tugging on the rope and lowering the net to the ground. There was a certain twinkle in its eye, the kind of twinkle that says, “This is my lucky day.”

McCoy scrambled to mix the liquids in the cramped space and finally got both colors in a single vial. He swished it around and then said to Jim, “That looks about right.” Then he quickly loaded the syringe just as the net stopped with a jerk a few feet from the ground.

The bear reached up to the branch from which the net was hanging and untied it. The two men tumbled to the ground.

“Quick, Bones! The syringe!”

Dr. McCoy rammed the needle into the bear with the deftness of a starship going to warp. Thump! The bear fell listlessly to the ground, and all grew quiet. McCoy walked over to the bear and felt for a pulse.

“Good work, Bones,” Kirk said, “Is he going to be all right.”

There was an awkward pause before the doctor looked up and answered.

“He’s dead, Jim.”

to be continued…

Will Scotty and Sulu be able to get the communications system working again? What will Kirk and McCoy do now that they’ve killed a bear? Why wasn’t the plight of Spock, Uhura, and Chekov addressed in Part 3 as promised? All of these questions and more will be answered in the next installment of “GoldiSpock and the Three Bears.”

Read the entire GoldiSpock and the Three Bears saga. Use the links below to jump to each installment:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three (You are here.)
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven

by Christopher Jones

Missed the beginning of the story? Start with Part 1.

Last time on Star Trek: The Lost Missions…

While running routine scans of a planet previously cataloged as lifeless, the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise detected the presence of a small cottage. Beaming down to investigate, the six-man away team split into two groups of three. One group, led by Spock, headed off down a trail and has not been heard from since. The other group, led by Kirk, stumbled upon a small plastic bottle filled with honey, and was trying to unravel its secret when a rustling sound from the nearby bushes startled them.

And now the continuation…

A thin, high-pitched oscillating sound danced amongst green leaves as they flitted in the breeze. A bird perched high above looked down. So accustomed he was to not seeing anyone walking down these trails, he found it odd that a light blue tunic was now making its way deeper into the forest. He found it even odder that inside the tunic was a tall humanoid figure with pointy ears.

The humanoid, known in many parts of the galaxy as a Vulcan, was accompanied by two other figures, both wearing red. One figure’s attire matched the Vulcan’s—black pants and a colored tunic. The other donned a short little skirt that looked like something from a high school football halftime show. The Vulcan wore a perturbed look upon his face as he slowly came to a halt.

“Vat is it Spock?” asked Ensign Chekov, one of the two humanoids accompanying the Vulcan, and the one not wearing the skirt.

“This tricorder seems to have stopped functioning,” answered Spock. “When we first began down this path, readings indicated that the cottage lay about 1km due east of the clearing; exactly where the path seemed to lead. But now I get no readings whatsoever.”

“So we just keep following the path, then,” said Chekov, failing to see the problem.

“That would seem to be the logical course of action,” replied Spock. “However, since we first left the clearing the path has taken several gradual turns, and I believe we are no longer headed due east.”

The second figure, the one in the skirt, looked on with her beautiful dark eyes as her shipmates continued their banter. Her name was Uhura, communications officer aboard the Enterprise, and she had grown accustomed to these difficult fits of logic on Spock’s part. Finally she had had enough.

“Maybe this would help,” she chimed in, pulling an old fashioned compass from her pocket.

“Thank you, Lieutenant, but I fail to see how a Cracker Jack toy will help extricate us from our current predicament.”

“Vait a minute, Mr. Spock,” cut in Chekov, “that’s more than just a toy. ‘Tis a little Russian invention that helped sailors on Earth many centuries ago.”

“Indeed.”

“That’s right,” added Uhura, “people used to get lost at sea all the time. But thanks to this little ‘Cracker Jack toy,’ they were able to alleviate the problem.”

“Then we shall try it,” Spock finally relented.

He took the compass from Uhura, held it in front of him, and waited for the needle to stop spinning.

Kirk and McCoy stood in the center of the clearing debating the meaning of the honey bear. This had been going on for some time now, and Ensign Jackson had grown weary. Having been unable to think of any plausible reason for a plastic bottle full of honey to be lying in a forest on a planet several hundred light years from Earth, he had eventually found a nice, cozy little spot on a log near the edge of the clearing and sat down.

“I wouldn’t sit so close to the edge if I were you, Ensign,” said Kirk, trying to scare Jackson. “You haven’t forgotten what color shirt you’re wearing have you?”

“Cut it out, Jim,” said McCoy, “can’t you see the boy’s scared enough already. Why, he’s white as a ghost.”

“I’m not scared, sir,” replied Jackson, “I’m just hypoglycemic. A little sugar and I’ll be as good as new. I brought along some cookies. They’re special ones my mother sent me from Earth. They’re quite tasty right out of the package, but I bet they’d be even better with some honey. Why don’t you bring that bottle over here and we can have a quick snack, sir.”

“Well, I am getting hungry,” said Kirk, “How about you Bones?”

“I could go for some cookies and honey,” he answered, “and we’re not getting anywhere just leaving the thing sitting on the ground.”

Jackson was feeling better already and was secretly delighted that he would no longer be alone near the perimeter of the clearing. Not that he was that concerned. The rustling sound hadn’t been heard for some time and the entire area seemed to be completely deserted. What could possibly happen to him here?

McCoy bent over to pick up the bottle. Wrapping his hand around the little bear’s waist, he lifted the small container from the ground.

“See, nothing to worry about,” he said to Kirk and Jackson.

The two senior officers were just about to step away from the center of the clearing when a net came flying up out of the ground like a Denebean bat out of hell, surrounding them both and ultimately leaving them dangling about 15 feet in the air.

“Unbelievable!” exclaimed Jackson, “It wasn’t me! Someone in the landing party fell victim to bad luck and it wasn’t me!”

Just as the last word left his mouth a huge grizzly bear came charging out from the bushes and gobbled him up.

to be continued…

Will the Cracker Jack compass help Spock and friends locate the cottage? How will Kirk and McCoy escape from the net? And where is the Enterprise, anyway? All of these questions and more will be answered in the next installment of “GoldiSpock and the Three Bears.”

Read the entire GoldiSpock and the Three Bears saga. Use the links below to jump to each installment:

Part One
Part Two (You are here.)
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven

by Christopher Jones

Captain’s Log, Stardate 3341.6. We have just entered orbit around the fourth planet of the Gamma Ursa system following the detection of an unusual structure on the planet’s surface. Gamma Ursa IV, a planet previously cataloged as lifeless, now appears to be home to… a small cottage. We’re organizing a landing party and preparing to beam down to investigate…

The sweet yet strange sound of birds chirping filled the air as a warm springtime breeze gently made its way through the lush green forests of Gamma Ursa IV. If there had been anyone there to feel it, they would have commented on how close this place came to paradise.

But no humanoids—in fact no lifeforms at all—had ever been detected on this world. That’s why it was so strange that birds were chirping—a fact that would be noted shortly by the motley crew of pajama-clad humanoids now beaming their way down to the surface.

A harmonic ringing crept its way into the air, grew in intensity, and then died away as six figures suddenly appeared in a dusty clearing from which two narrow trails led off into the forest.

“I still hate that damn thing!” cried Dr. Leonard McCoy, chief medical officer aboard the Starship Enterprise.

“Indeed, Doctor,” replied Spock in his most sarcastic tone, “You’ve never mentioned it before.”

“As a matter of fact I…”

At about that time Captain James T. Kirk, clad as always in his tight fitting black pants and gold command tunic, broke into the exchange. “All right you two, cut it out. We’ve got work to do. Spock, you, Chekov, and Uhura take the trail to the left. Bones, Ensign Jackson, you’re with me. We’ll head off to the right. Everyone keep a communication channel open and report anything unusual. Let’s see if we can’t find out how this little cottage got on a lifeless planet.”

“May I remind you, Captain,” said Spock, “that the chirping birds that we now hear would indicate that this planet is not lifeless.”

“Thank you Spock,” responded Kirk curtly, “previously thought to be lifeless is what I meant. And I think you knew it.”

“There’s no need to get defensive, Jim. I was simply pointing out…”

“I know what you were doing. Now, everyone, let’s get moving.”

The group split into two, each heading off down their respective trails. Ensign Jackson, his red tunic hanging from his scrawny body, wore an expression of deep concern as his figure receded from the small, dusty clearing. All the while, a large pair of eyes concealed in the bushes looked on.

The trail upon which Kirk, McCoy, and Jackson trudged was barely wide enough for two people to walk abreast, and quickly became overgrown with vines. Walking without tripping was difficult, and Jackson was afraid that, if some kind of giant Venus flytrap were to suddenly pop up out of the undergrowth, he would be the first to be eaten.

“Stop worrying Ensign,” said Kirk. “You knew what you were getting into when you agreed to wear the red shirt. Besides, you’re with McCoy and me, nothing ever happens to anyone when they’re with us.”

Kirk gave a quick wink to McCoy who returned the gesture. This made Jackson even more uneasy. He knew very well that one of the cardinal rules of being in Starfleet was to never beam down wearing a red shirt.

“Jim, what’s that over there?” asked McCoy.

He pointed to a large tree with enormous branches that rose into the air like, well, enormous branches of a large tree. Near the tree was a small clearing. Not as large as the one they had arrived in, but still big enough for the three of them to stand in comfortably.

Unlike the first clearing, this one wasn’t dusty. Rather it was covered with vines that were intertwined like a hundred snakes thrown into a small room. Only the vines didn’t slither like snakes would. They had been pressed down to create a flat surface and were quite still. This is something that Jackson noted as he allowed a small sigh of relief to escape from his mouth.

The other notable feature of the clearing was the presence of a small plastic container placed in the exact center of the flattened area. The container was small, about 14cm in height, and filled with a golden substance. Kirk headed for it and was about to grab it when McCoy yelled at him to stop.

“Better let me do a bioscan first. That golden substance is clearly a liquid of some kind. Could be poisonous. Now, if I can just get this tricorder open… there we go.”

“What have you got, Bones?”

“According to these readings, it’s a sweet, viscous fluid containing about 70% or 80% sugar.” “That’s a strange looking container, don’t you think Captain?” interjected Jackson, “It looks like a cute little bear.”

“Yes, a little plastic bear,” replied Kirk, “where have I seen that before? I wish Spock were here, I’m sure he’d know the answer.”

“Damn it, Jim!” exclaimed McCoy, “You don’t need that pointy-eared computer to tell you that. We used to have these all the time back on Earth. That’s a honey bear. The golden substance is just plain honey.”

“Of course,” said Kirk, “now I remember. But what’s a honey bear doing in the middle of a forest clearing on Gamma Ursa IV?”

At that moment all three men jerked their heads around as something stirred in the bushes just a few feet away.

to be continued…

Will Kirk and company uncover the secret of the honey bear? What is to become of Ensign Jackson? Where will Spock’s trail lead? All of these questions and more will be answered in the next installment of “GoldiSpock and the Three Bears.”

Read the entire GoldiSpock and the Three Bears saga. Use the links below to jump to each installment:

Part One (You are here.)
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven